Day 8 of my 31 day blog challenge – What am I afraid of?
Wow, this isn’t easy to post. By doing so I’m sharing some secrets that I never thought I would. But, I guess this is a place for me to be transparent…a place to open up. I’m at an age where I’m less concerned what people think about me. Judge me if you will…
What am I afraid of? Not death…I know where I’m going. Not failure…been there, done that (too many times to count). I’m really afraid of 2 things, and they tie into each other.
The first is Atelophobia.
Sadly, this fear has been realized. I’ve never really felt good enough for someone else, and I know now that is the case. No matter what I say or do, it seems I’m just not good enough. I go out of my way to please others, but in the end that doesn’t really matter. I’m simply not good enough for them.
The result of this fear is my other fear…being lonely.
Don’t misunderstand being alone with being lonely. I actually enjoy being alone at times. This is especially true after a rough day at work. I just need alone time to decompress and relax. Being alone is sometimes nice. Being lonely, on the other hand is a horrible feeling. It’s like when you have this one person you would do anything in the world for, and would go to the greatest lengths just to be with, but they have no desire to be with you…THAT is loneliness. It is being rejected by someone you love. It is knowing that you are never going to be good enough and facing a very sad future without someone to walk beside you, or hold your hand…or love you.
So now you know my fears. I’m not ashamed of these, not at all. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m just sharing who I am…the good, the bad and the ugly.