A Song That Defines Me

31 day

Day 4 of the 31 day blog challenge is a song that defines me. I thought this would be difficult, but that’s not the case. Choosing the song was easy. Explaining why it defines me is a bit of a challenge because it reveals a lot that I haven’t shared before. Wasn’t sure I even wanted to do this, but why not. So, here goes nothing.

The song I’ve chosen is Mansion by NF. The entire song doesn’t define me. I can’t relate to all of it, but pay close attention to the 3rd verse.

I can relate to this song. Part of the chorus says “My mind is a home I’m trapped in, and its lonely inside this mansion“. This is me. It defines much of who I am. I’ve spent years building the walls and not allowing anyone inside. Read the lyrics to the 3rd verse.

So this part of my house, no one’s been in it for years
I built a safe room and I don’t let no one in there
Cause if I do, there’s a chance
That they might disappear and not come back
And I admit I am emotionally scared to let anyone inside
So I just leave my doors locked
You might get other doors to open up but this door’s not
Cause I don’t want you to have the opportunity to hurt me
And I’ll be the only person that I can blame when you desert me
I’m barricaded inside
So stop watching
I’m not coming to the door
So stop knocking, stop knocking
I’m trapped here
God keep saying I’m not locked in
I chose this
I am lost in my own conscience
I know that shutting the world out ain’t solving the problem
But I didn’t build this house because I thought it would solve ’em
I built it because I thought that it would be safer in there
But it’s not, I’m not the only thing that’s living in here
Fear came to my house years ago I let ’em in
Maybe that’s the problem
Cause I’ve been dealing with this ever since
I thought that he would leave, but it’s obvious he never did
He must have picked a room and got comfortable and settled in
Now I’m in the position it’s either sit here and let him win
Or put him back outside where he came from, but I never can
Cause in order to do that I’d have to open the doors
Is that me or the fear talking?
I don’t know anymore

This defines me. I spent years keeping the doors locked because of fear. Then, when I finally opened up I remembered why they were locked in the first place. I don’t want anyone to have the opportunity to hurt me, and I am emotionally scared to let just anyone inside. I have let some inside, and I don’t regret that. In fact, it’s a step in the right direction. But, I’m very selective. If I do let you in, you should feel very, very special, because those allowed in are few. If I let you in, that means you are one of the most important people in my life, and I’ve opened the doors…opened up my fears…made myself vulnerable to you…trusted you. That is rare.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s