Day 4 of the 31 day blog challenge is a song that defines me. I thought this would be difficult, but that’s not the case. Choosing the song was easy. Explaining why it defines me is a bit of a challenge because it reveals a lot that I haven’t shared before. Wasn’t sure I even wanted to do this, but why not. So, here goes nothing.
The song I’ve chosen is Mansion by NF. The entire song doesn’t define me. I can’t relate to all of it, but pay close attention to the 3rd verse.
I can relate to this song. Part of the chorus says “My mind is a home I’m trapped in, and its lonely inside this mansion“. This is me. It defines much of who I am. I’ve spent years building the walls and not allowing anyone inside. Read the lyrics to the 3rd verse.
So this part of my house, no one’s been in it for yearsI built a safe room and I don’t let no one in thereCause if I do, there’s a chanceThat they might disappear and not come backAnd I admit I am emotionally scared to let anyone insideSo I just leave my doors lockedYou might get other doors to open up but this door’s notCause I don’t want you to have the opportunity to hurt meAnd I’ll be the only person that I can blame when you desert meI’m barricaded insideSo stop watchingI’m not coming to the doorSo stop knocking, stop knockingI’m trapped hereGod keep saying I’m not locked inI chose thisI am lost in my own conscienceI know that shutting the world out ain’t solving the problemBut I didn’t build this house because I thought it would solve ’emI built it because I thought that it would be safer in thereBut it’s not, I’m not the only thing that’s living in hereFear came to my house years ago I let ’em inMaybe that’s the problemCause I’ve been dealing with this ever sinceI thought that he would leave, but it’s obvious he never didHe must have picked a room and got comfortable and settled inNow I’m in the position it’s either sit here and let him winOr put him back outside where he came from, but I never canCause in order to do that I’d have to open the doorsIs that me or the fear talking?I don’t know anymore
This defines me. I spent years keeping the doors locked because of fear. Then, when I finally opened up I remembered why they were locked in the first place. I don’t want anyone to have the opportunity to hurt me, and I am emotionally scared to let just anyone inside. I have let some inside, and I don’t regret that. In fact, it’s a step in the right direction. But, I’m very selective. If I do let you in, you should feel very, very special, because those allowed in are few. If I let you in, that means you are one of the most important people in my life, and I’ve opened the doors…opened up my fears…made myself vulnerable to you…trusted you. That is rare.